Martha Stewart Home Living "Quotes"

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
• WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
• A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
• BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
  wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
• DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed. SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
• SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
• AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
• SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.
• SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
• OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
• INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
• TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently used up.
• MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
• SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
• APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
• KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
• MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
• PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find something more meaningful to do in life now that you've made your fortune.
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