(Mostly) Celebrity Quotes

"Mars is red, Uranus is gaseous."

- Brain

"Remember, eating beans before a bath does not make it a bubble bath."

- Mr. Potato Head

"A truly wise man would never play leapfrog with a unicorn."

- Anonymous

"Too bad everyone that knows how to run the country is too busy driving taxicabs or giving haircuts."

- George Burns

"Look around the table. If you don't see a sucker, get up, because you're the sucker."

- Amarillo Slim ... Contibuted by Erik Lopez

"Forgive your enemies, but remember thier names."

- John F. Kennedy

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

"I think you should laugh in bed - women always laugh at me when I'm in bed."

- Boy George ... Contibuted by Erik Lopez

"Never marry a girl named "Marie" who used to be known as 'Murray'."

- Johnny Carson ... Contibuted by Erik Lopez

"It isn't pollution that is harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

- Dan Quayle

"Things are more like they are now then they ever were before."

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

- Dan Quayle

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

- Hillary Clinton

(on baseball) "If they try to knock you over, hit the motherf#%@r right in the mouth with the ball."

- Billy Martin ... Contributed by Erik Lopez

"Tell a female she's thin and she's yours for life"

- Anne Bernays ... Contributed by Erik Lopez

"Common sense is the least common of all senses."

- Hobson's Homily

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

- Paul Fix

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people overthere on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

- George Carlin

"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?"

- Richard Schultz

"Women, you can't live with 'em . . . pass the beer nuts."

- Norm Peterson

"If you were me I'd envy you."

- Brett Johnson

"All marriages are happy, it's the living together afterwards that causes the trouble."

- Raymond Hull

"Everything is funny as long as it happens to someone else."

- Will Rogers

"Bite the wax tadpole."

- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut"

- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

- Ellen DeGeneres

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

- Richard Jeni

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

- Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

- Jerry Seinfeld

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "

- Larry Miller

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "

- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, 'Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'"

- Lynda Montgomery

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

- Ellen DeGeneris

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."

- Roger Simon

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

- A. Whitney Brown